Darwian Empathy

I left a funeral for my dear friend Aaron Nero, and then boarded a plane for France, where my family is vacationing. I had worked and traveled hard for weeks, and in the midst of this exhaustion faced the agonizing reality of Aaron’s death. It came to me over and over throughout the day and in the middle of the night. Aaron’s father asked me to write a eulogy which I was honored to do, but I faced a blank page for a week every time I tried to write. It was too hard, and too fresh to write about my friend of 36 years, who worked with me, lived with me, and was so giving to me. This, and the circumstances of his death, which were in the end a life of an anxious and tortured soul turned to drinking. He is not the first person to face this kind of death, but it is harder to imagine a kinder person who has. During his Eulogy I spoke of a race of people in Star Trek called Empaths. Empaths were capable of absorbing the pain of others, without the ability to deflect it from themselves. This was Aaron. A kind Empath, who absorbed the pain of others, while making us laugh. I didn’t stick around long, as I had to leave, and was too sad to talk more anyway. With the eulogy went a part of myself that will forever be left with Aaron.

(for full disclosure sake I will admit that the next two hours I went with friends of Aaron’s to see the ridiculous film “Ted”, in order to laugh. It was actually a good choice for the occasion).

Once I reached the airport I put on my headphones and listened to podcasts while I waited for my plane. The first one was “The Freakonomics Podcast” which is not generally my favorite, but since I had so much travel to do I decided to start from the top of my unheard list. The topic was a great counter to what I had just been through -the funeral, not “Ted”). It was entitled “Legacy of Jerk”. The topic of course was the opposite of Aaron, but it did resemble someone else who I knew, a theatre Producer, and very close friend Phil Osterman who died several years ago. Unlike Aaron, Phil was not an Empath, but instead borderline sadistic. He called dancers fat in ways I would rather not mention, he used us as slaves, and humiliated us in public. After his death, the New York Times gave him an Obit that I actually considered a bad review. It was slightly unfair to Phil, as I liked him despite his problems, making the point that Freakonomics was trying to make, that people are too complex for an obit alone. The Podcast was not bout Phil, but abut people like Phil, and how legacy for most people treats them well, but for some, reputations live on. The main example in the Podcast was the baseball legend Ty Cobb. Cobb is generally recognized as a genius of the game, but a racist, murdering child abuser in his off the field life. The program said that this may not be entirely true, but the image has stuck.  This brought on a deeper inquiry into the meaning of success. For instance, if you are financially, or even culturally, or philanthropically successful, but were not good to your family, were you successful? There are instances where the questions are obvious. Killing people, whether successful in business or baseball, probably rules out success. The example given which was trickier was that of Steve Jobs who was successful in so many ways, but in the end regretted not spending much time with his family.

What the show didn’t mention, which of course came to my mind is the success of the Empath. In my view Aaron’s deep empathy made him a success even though it made him so deeply unhappy. That is a tough thing to say. I started my eulogy for Aaron with a Darwin quote about friendships being a true measure of success. The quote could have been by anyone, but I thought that it was perfect that it came from the discoverer of survival of the fittest. At first look the Empath who dies young from the burden of others’ pain and his own must certainly be the least fit. Perhaps as an individual that is true. It is nearly impossible to live this way. What is more complicated though is how we survive as humans because of the Empaths among us. It is perhaps empathy that brings about the kinds of compassion that make us more likely to build great things together, and to refrain from violence that would destroy us. Does the successful businessman who lives to be 100 always have that? Likely not, but maybe sometimes.

When I arrived in France I was Ty Cobb not Aaron. My wife pointed out to me, rightly so how rude I was being. At one point I screamed that “I hate fucking low tide!” My seven-year-old turned to me and said “Daddy Don’t blame Maman, blame the moon.” Ah, how stupid Daddy can be. I wasn’t being a jerk on purpose, but I think I saw those pictures of Aaron and thought “What does being so nice get you?”

A mutual friend of Aaron and I came to me after the service and said “the goal is that I want to be more like Aaron.” I didn’t disagree, but did brush it aside. In that moment being like Aaron looked pretty awful. The more I think about it though this friend was right. We should be all be Empaths. The balance will come in how to deflect some of that pain away from ourselves so that we live longer to give more.